Stop Treating People Like You Owe Them Something

“I gotta stop treating people like I owe them something,” Tupac.

This post, originally titled Freedom in 2015, first appeared on my original blog, That Next Level Thinking, in January 2015. It was influenced by the aforementioned quote, which I found while scrolling through social media. The message halted me in my tracks. Wow! It was liberating. “I gotta stop treating people like I owe them something.”

While I have always believed that no one owes me anything, I had never thought about the alternate perspective. Nonetheless, it was something that I needed to hear. It’s something I believe many of us need to hear.

Why is This Message So Important?

As Christians, particularly Christian women, we believe that we have to be everything to everyone, but we can’t. There is only one God, and only He is sovereign. We are humans, and we will fail and falter. The problem is that when we have conditioned people into thinking that our role in their lives is to be subservient to them, this becomes the expected norm of the relationship. They call. We answer. They ask. We give. They dish. We take.

What Happens When We Try to Reestablish New Boundaries?

Most people do not like change. Unfortunately, once we try to redefine these skewed relationships, some people become resistant, while others might even become angry. They might say things like, “You’ve changed” or “You’re just not the same person.”

The truth is, our desire for love and respect probably hasn’t changed. We’ve probably always hated being treated like doormats, but we just never said anything. To those people who we’ve allowed to walk all over us, there was no perceived problem in the relationship because, as far as they were concerned, their needs were being met. We may have filled the lonely gaps between romantic relationships, possibly picking up the pieces after a breakup. It’s even feasible that we have spent hours “talking” while they have vented about their issues. For them, there was no problem with the previous dynamics. It worked…for them!

Questions to Ask Yourself:

But what about our lonely nights, broken hearts, and failed dreams? Were they on the phone for hours listening to us cry and vent, like we had been for them? Did they offer us consolation when we needed to be comforted?

“But they are my friends,” we say. “I’ve known them since (fill in the blank).”

“Ten years ago, they did that one favor that I feel obligated to repay over and over and over again.”

Re-Defining Our Relationships

Whenever we judge the merit of a relationship, we should never judge it based on the question, “What have you done for me lately?” However, relationships MUST be symbiotic. If we find that we keep holding ourselves hostage to that one kind deed that an individual performed many moons ago, and we constantly feel indebted and obliged to repay that act, it might be time that we reevaluate our motives and reevaluate our relationships.

Yes, we must remember kindness. So many of us are quick to forget. Yes, we must maintain a sense of loyalty, but we do not owe anyone anything. We have a responsibility to love God and His people, but we are not indebted to anyone. In fact, Romans 13:8 says, “Owe nothing to anyone—except for your obligation to love one another. If you love your neighbor, you will fulfill the requirements of God’s law,” NLT.

In my own life, I have had to redefine several relationships with people whom I had conditioned to become used to me running to their beck and call. They called. I answered. They asked. I gave. They dished. I took. Now, as a result of my newly established boundaries, there have been those who have said that I have changed. They don’t like the fact that I am no longer their doormat. However, I can’t be who God has called me to be and go where He wants me to go if I am wrapped up living other people’s lives and riding the waves of their emotions.

Take-Home Message

One of the biggest lessons that God taught me a few years ago is that the reason why many of us cannot get past our current season is that we keep bypassing our exit and repeating seasons with people who are currently in the season that God is trying to graduate us from. Friend, sometimes the very thing that we are trying to save someone from might be the fire that God is using to refine them. So now, instead of moving into our new season, we are going into battle against God, and we are getting burned.

This year, I encourage you to evaluate ALL your relationships. The Bible says, “Iron sharpens iron” (Proverbs 27:17). If you are in relationships that are not allowing you to grow, move on. Those lopsided relationships might be the very things that are hindering your growth. In the words of Tupac, “[you] gotta stop treating people like [you] owe them something.”